My Grief Journey Continued...As I Suddenly Faced Growing Old Alone
Anniversaries are supposed to mark happy life events. But sometimes, they mark a loss. One of the six myths about grief is to Give It Time otherwise known as, “Time heals all wounds” The truth is it’s not just the passing of time but what we do with the time.
I thought I would share what I’ve done with my time, today, as I mark March 22 as the sixteenth anniversary of Dave’s loss.
I updated this blog (originally from 2019) hoping it will be encouraging, comforting and give hope that you are not alone.
I love western movies, always have. I even dreamt of living on a farm or ranch. So, in 1993, when this six-foot-two cowboy asked me to dance, I was intrigued.
Before long, I realized that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We were going to grow old together. Which is saying a lot since I had been single since my divorce, over 10 years ago. This relationship was going to be forever and we decided to get married in September of 2006.
In March 2006, Dave got sick with bronchitis. He was put on an antibiotic along with the usual, “Take the medicine and if you are not better in 10 days come back.”
But after 10 days, he was not better. He admitted to me that he was feeling depressed, which was unlike Dave. We had a brief conversation. I wish I could remember all that was said but I cannot. I had no idea it would be the last time we would talk.
I finished my morning routine so I could take him back to the doctor and then to work.
You see, I was busy.
I was a workaholic.
I worked long hours in Corporate America and had a high-stress job
with a large team of people. I didn’t learn the lesson from my Dad’s death;
remember to appreciate the people in my life by spending more time with people than work.
My need for busyness took my focus away from important relationships.
I had no idea what was about to happen. For many of us, this is normal and typical. We never consider the possibility that we could lose a loved one so unexpectedly.
I left the room to gather my things for the day while Dave got dressed. Moments later, I found him collapsed on the bathroom floor.
I performed CPR. I called 911. (Sound familiar? My previous post about my Dad describes this same scenario.) Dave was already gone. I could not, did not, want to believe it. I was in shock. Unlike the death of my Dad, I didn’t see this one coming.
I was not prepared. Why would I be? He was young. We had plans. And in a split second my world once again would never be the same.
I didn’t know what to do or how to move forward, except to stay busy. I knew how to do this well. It was familiar and comfortable and I didn’t have to feel the pain of loss or loneliness. There was no room for grief.
I was getting stuck in my grief but I didn’t realize it.
Did you know there are Six Grief Myths? We all cling to different ones and many of them overlap one another, as mine did below.
Don’t Feel Bad - In trying to comfort us, we are told things like; “It will be okay.” Which translates into “Don’t Feel feel bad.” Grief and loss are just darn hard & uncomfortable.
Grieve Alone - We know we make others feel uncomfortable when we are grieving so grievers tend to isolate themselves too much. (See “Don’t Feel Bad”)
Be Strong For Others - We believe we have to take care of everyone else and that we don’t have the “luxury” of grieving.
Replace The Loss - “It will be okay...at least you can have another child..or “You are young and I’m sure you will remarry.” or “It’s okay, let’s get another puppy today!” All statements are mostly given to comfort grievers yet unknowingly prolongs or buries the pain.
Give It Time - “Time heals all wounds” goes with “don’t feel bad.” It’s not just the passing of time but what we do with the time.
Keep Busy - We want to ignore the pain...
I’ve lived all the myths but the ones that I held onto were Keep Busy and Grieve Alone:
KEEP BUSY
I was an expert at keeping busy. I was that classic “workaholic”; getting into work by 5:30am, not taking a lunch or any break during the day and not leaving until after 6pm. Excess work became my substitute for sitting in the grief. I would volunteer a lot on the weekends and believed if I could just get through the “first year”, I would be better. I mean…” time heals all wounds”...right? I created a routine of work, volunteering, prepare for the next week. Oh! And no room for fun adventures.
I was stuck, set in my routines. I couldn’t do anything outside of the routine. It was easy to fool myself into thinking I was ok because I was functioning.
GRIEVE ALONE
One week after the funeral I went back to work. I was the boss and responsible for a team of over 20 people. I believed myth, the lie, that I could not cry or appear “weak” in front of my team. If I did need to cry, it was behind closed doors.
I realized later, they knew all along and wanted to be there for me. I struggled (and sometimes still do, let’s be honest, this is a process) to let anyone be there for me. I had to go it alone.
It has taken me many years to get “unstuck”. It doesn’t happen overnight. No Fairy Godmother or “Tooth Fairy”, no matter how much we, I, wished, will come to us, wave a wand, and make it all better.
I still miss Dave. I will alway miss him and our time together. I have learned how to recover and heal from this huge loss in my life because my greatest fear was growing old alone.
Sixteen years later, I’m still single and I’m okay. I have a full life with friends and family.
I was tired of being “stuck” and decided something had to change.
“When the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of making a change” is when you get moving. Get help.
It’s your choice. It’s your life. And isn’t it time start living it again?
I am living proof there is life after loss.